Indulge

Every good has its bad.

And every bad has some good.

The past week I’ve been trying to make my home comfy, cozy, and likable — for sanity’s sake.

If I were to try and renovate everything once I got settled in at home, it’d just be too hard to get the motivation to change things around.

So I painted my room, put together my own shelf of foods (organics, whole wheat, and healthy shit), got rid of clothes and things I just stored away for years.

I’m sentimental, what can I say?

I’ve also managed to shop around for quite a few material items… I just spent $260 on a freakin’ chair. The next thing I need to buy is a 1T External HDD, which will cost me around another $200. Because my computer, digital work, music, and games are-my-life, I need a bigger backup (and to install multiple OS’s!). I’ve also been looking at GPS systems (which I really can’t decide on because I don’t feel I have enough information on them). Lastly, I’m waiting for the new iPhone to come out. I want it because it’s a piece of technology that can do pretty much everything I need in one device: photos, phone calls, txt msgs, WiFi (the core), and an mp3 player. The only downside is the price and the AT&T service. I like Verizon and really don’t want to switch. I thought about getting the iPod Touch, and then hacking it so I can use Skype — but it’d be so ghetto. I dunno. I’m in a pickle. I want one of those two technologies because I think it’ll make my life easier when I travel. I feel like as long as I’ve got access to the Internet, I’m good to go.

Anyway, my main concerns are the price on all the items that I want to purchase. Yes, I’m very much in this materialistic state of mind right now, but it’s not often that I go and buy things. I tend to talk myself out of it. And I get really excited once I have new things ’cause it’s so infrequent! Anyway…

Take for example the chair that I still feel guilty about buying. I have wanted to purchase a new chair for two years now. I told myself, “I should buy one when I return home from college so that I won’t have to deal with taking it apart and lugging it back.” I also knew an approximate price of the type of chair I would be looking to purchase. So no surprises and it would give me time to accept what I would be having to dish out. But when I got back home last week, I was still hesitant to buy a chair. Only this time I couldn’t talk my way out of it or make an excuse. When I leaned back in my old chair, which finally just gave way and broke, I felt that it was a sign that I was being retarded and should just spend the money for a new one. I still can’t shake the feeling I just spent that much money on a freakin’ chair. I can think about all the other things I could do with that money… i.e. traveling.

I guess my point is that I have to truly know that I need a particular item — and it’s not just ’cause I want it. I’m all about functionality. Items that I purchase have to have a specific use and purpose. It cannot simply be because it “looks good” or “everyone’s getting it.”

…It looks like I’m justifying my materialism and all that really doesn’t matter in the bigger picture. But it’s like as soon as school was over and I returned to the bay area, everything got flipped. Where my room was one way for so many years, I tore it apart and redid it. When I typically don’t spend, I end up spending a lot. Where I once had a newfound peace and engaged in Yoga every week, I’ve become distracted, lazy, and dumb.

Ah, I guess that just means it’s summer!

Anyway, my last rant on my really kick-ass, low-key lifestyle is that I’m afraid I’m starting to dislike home a lot quicker than I had imagined.

I thought I could suck it up and deal with it. There’s no denying I’d get sick of it.

But it has already hit.

Not a good sign.

It means that I have to try really hard to not let things bother me, for a long period of time.

For the past 4 years I’ve been living on my own, without someone telling me to do the dishes or take out the trash. No one has asked me why I’m pouring milk in the living room, what I’m cooking, or where I’m going to be on Thursday and if I can stay at the house from 8-12 to wait for the repairman to come and fix the front-loading washer. While in college, I did not need to be courteous and call or txt anyone that I wouldn’t be back that night. I also hate that nothing is in walking distance. I live on a freakin’ hill with a pretty sweet view of the airport and the bay, but it’s a hill that doesn’t make me want to walk down it, in fear of the strenuous walk back up (me — complain about exercise, really?).

Anyway, it’s a different kind of freedom now. A very restricted one. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I’ll be looking for a place to live, a month after I start my job. I really don’t know where I’ll be working, so I would like to find a home that’s in relatively good/very little distance from the clients’ site. Not sure how many clients I would be advising for either. I’m so not well-informed. Sighs.

So that’s an update on me — all scatterbrained, not knowing the day of the week, what time it is, nor having to really think about anything in particular.

I have to admit, it’s harder for me to not have a set schedule. I like planning. But you already knew that. And it’s the spontaneous moments that happen within a schedule that get me excited. That’s how I work.

Alright, I’m done rambling.

Heh.